P.S. I know we have no Hatori, but the line was too damn good.
(NARRATOR steps out into the center of the stage)
NARRATOR: Good afternoon. (pause) Do you become irrationally nervous around members of the opposite sex? Does it feel as though you’ll never have a date? Does the thought of approaching a woman make you want to vomit? If so, you may be one of millions affected by a newly discovered social disorder. Has this (motions to the side) ever happened to you?
KYO and TOHRU: (pantomime talking)
TOHRU: (throws herself into a hug at KYO)
(large cardboard sign labeled “POOF” is thrown in front of KYO)
STUFFED KYO: (thrown onstage from behind POOF sign)
TOHRU: (gasps, covers mouth)
NARRATOR: This is transanimamorphicus, more commonly known as “Ranma Syndrome”. Here are some testimonials by victims of this horrible affliction.
SHIGURE: I’ve been ashamed for so long… I’m with a woman, and all of a sudden… (helpless shrugging gesture) There’s nothing I can do. I mean… there’s NOTHING I can do. (pointed stare) For thirty. Long. Years I have suffered in silence. THIRTY YEARS OF COLD NIGHTS! THIRTY YEARS OF ADMIRING TEENAGE GIRLS FROM AFAR! And NOTHING! NOTHING!!
NARRATOR: (…) Yes… I’m sure it has been hard… (turns) What about you, Hatsuharu?
HARU: (with KISA in lap) Oh, we’ve got it covered. (smiles)
NARRATOR: …what? (clears throat) As you can see, this disease can take people down a dark path. From shameless incest to an obsession with high-school girls brought on by a life of celibacy –
SHIGURE: CELIBACY!! (flails)
NARRATOR: …operators are standing – (glances over at AKITO, who is on the floor with a phone) lying by to collect your donations for the search for a cure to this demeaning, disfiguring, absolutely disgusting – (everyone in background glares) shameless, shameless disease. But, there is hope. Top researchers in the heart of the Amazon have come across what may be a successful treatment.
(TOHRU is brought in)
TOHRU: Wowww! I’m from the Amazon!?
NARRATOR: It is currently being tested. Just a few hugs from this repugnant girl –
TOHRU: What’s repugunant mean?
NARRATOR: …can help to stave off symptoms. Here are two of the test subjects.
(KYO and YUKI enter, holding hands)
YUKI: (soulfully) We can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for us. After just a few short months with this girl, I stay away from women like the plague.
(TOHRU looks puzzled)
KYO: Our treatment has opened up new doors. This girl, along with fanfiction, has taught us to turn our hatred – our bitter, bitter hatred – into healing, beautiful…love.
YUKI: (gasps) That’s beautiful! Oh, I love you so much…
KYO: I love you more.
YUKI: (frowns) I love you the most.
KYO: (glares) No, I love you the MOSTEST!
YUKI: I LOVE YOU TO INFINITY! (YUKI punches KYO)
(YUKI and KYO fight)
NARRATOR: … (clears throat) Love is the only cure we have. (awkward silence while KYO and YUKI scream and fight in the background)
SHIGURE: Well, I’m very happy for them, but I think we’re losing sight of the true point. Did I happen to mention… (pause) THIRTY YEARS!!
(AYAME and HATORI enter)
AYAME: You really are so silly. (giggles, wraps arm around SHIGURE)
(SHIGURE looks frightened, HATORI pats him on the back)
AYAME: We figured this out years ago.
HATORI: (smiles) Wanna play doctor?
NARRATOR: Ah, well, er…that’s all the time we have for this program so, er, be sure to donate –
(YUKI reenters, dragging KYO’s limp body across the stage)
YUKI: Love! (waves happily)